Fred's Story - Part I

I am admitting I am POWERLESS over my addictions, uncontrollable anger and, compulsive behavior; that my life has become unmanageable.?
Hi, my name is Fred. I was born in the inner city just outside of Boston to parents of the upper lower class income level. My father was an unskilled blue-collar wage worker while my mother stayed at home. She was not a well woman as we grew up. I have a sister who is 4 years younger than me.

As for who I am today I can better reflect back on my life and recognize shortcomings of growing up in my parents household, e.g., learning skills that are not beneficial to me or anyone today, and that my parents took care of their own needs first before those of my sister and me to name just two. I needed nurturing from my mother and affirmation from my father. My father usually worked a second job at night to supplement the low household income of Northeast city dwellers during the 50?s and to provide for my mothers variety of illnesses. Because of this he often came home tired and irritable with little time or interest for family activities. He was, and still is, an active rageaholic, a very nervous and insecure man, and at one time did drink more alcohol than any man needed. Today I know he is a lust and sex addict, still, at the age of 84.

My mother was very sickly and oftentimes bedfast for days when we were growing up. Her patience for us was often thin. She is also a very nervous and anxious woman with an obsessive/compulsive cleaning disorder and she was not truly able or willing to raise two children. Because of this she took care of herself and reared my sister and I to fear and often times experience my fathers anger.

My father was not discriminatory with his addictions or anger handicap either inside or outside of our family. I believe that my mother also suffers from the same sexual addictions that we all do in our family. Even today, my sister is a bright, educated, attractive, and successful career woman who leads a committed homosexual lifestyle.

My parents were good teachers. They did instill in me the difference between ?right and wrong? (not necessarily between good and evil) and I learned life?s traditions for ethics, church, God, and family values and allegiance. However, because of their self-centeredness, their guidance and influence taught me to use and abuse anger toward others as well as launch me into my own lust and sex addiction that today has brought me near destruction and death.

As I can remember, it seems that certain crucial events during my growing years happened somewhat simultaneously. I was a very active and energetic boy developing in the city neighborhood streets and even as a young boy I had my share of mischievous opportunities. Compared to others in the neighborhood I was not a bad boy and I was not easily intimidated and I was very curious. I can remember my mother seemed not very happy nor accepting of my escapades and either convinced me that I was wrong, made a mistake, or caused trouble and I was punished without any real explanation why. This would continue as I grew older and it got furthered later by threatening me with ?wait till your father gets home!? And, subsequently, began feeling the results of my fathers irritation and anger towards me physically and yet still without proper explanation. This continued until I was nearly 16 years old.

Unbeknown to me, psychologically, a pattern was now to begin developing. Because of the physical and emotional abuse I was experiencing I began to lie in order to avoid these punishments and pain. This would work more times than not but in those instances when I was accused of wrongdoing and then caught lying it seemed the resulting consequences were even worse. Because I had seen my father in somewhat similar situations, with my mother and others, I watched him use anger and rage to control those events to the outcome he wanted or needed. So, I decided to use the same tactics with both of them to get what I wanted or needed. This worked more often with my mother than it did with him. A lifelong pattern was now inplace - Mistake or Problem / Lying / Anger or Rage. There was only one last occurrence to come that would complete a circle that would lead my life down a road not fit for normal man.

How It Began

The earliest recollection of an emotional and mental image of sex or sexuality occurred at approximately 6 years of age at the suggestion and idea of my then best friend involving our kindergarten teacher. It was also during these years (6 - 8) that I heard and watched lewd stories, sexual jokes, and sexual overtones by my father toward my mother?s sisters during family and holiday gatherings.

Fred's Story - Part 2

My first physical experience of sexual things and feelings happened when I was 8 or 9 years old. This was quite shocking and confusing to me because I did not know what this was. I never heard anyone discuss or talk about this feeling and there was no platform at home to take this, so it became my personal secret. And, almost immediately, I learned to like and enjoy it, and seek after that exciting and exhilarating, yet calming, physical sensation.
As I grew into my junior high school years I continued my patterns of lying and anger (whenever necessary) to avoid punishment or pain. I also continued pursuit of my bodily sensations as often as I could but did not know why or what this was all about and still never telling anyone. It was during these years that I discovered my father's magazines in his bureau. That occurred because my mother would suggest that I go into my fathers bureau to retrieve things for either her or me to use. Now I had material that I put together with my physical pleasure and began fantasizing about these possibilities. Sexual fantasizing was and is the central core of my addiction.

My Addiction Worsens

Just before my 13th birthday, I experienced my first wet dream and shortly after that I discovered masturbation. With the help of some older friends I had in the neighborhood I now had what I needed to put it all together. During my 8th grade year the final element of my pattern was unveiled and the beginning of a very turbulent life was about to commence. At this time of life, after several years of abuse at the hands of my parents, I was in great rebellion to authority. I didn?t care if I was accused of wrongdoing - accurate or not - I lied at will, got angry or enraged whenever necessary, and then could soothe that emotional or physical pain by acting out sexually. My life during this era was still being managed by my parents and their selfishness, so I did what I needed for self-preservation.

This pattern continued during my high school years. I got involved with an older, tougher crowd, discovered cigarettes, beer, wine, and hard liquor, explored more pornography through magazines, gave away my virginity at age 15, and began a relationship with a girl during my junior year (age 16) that would continue through all 4 years of college. This relationship expanded my physical addiction to an extremely high level and then launched me into a downward spiral that lasted until 1999. Almost 34 years!

It was only by the grace and love of God that when I entered college in 1967 that I came out alive and in one piece in 1971. During these years I continued to smoke and drink heavily. My sexual acting out continued to expand through pornography, physical contact with my girlfriend and other women. In 1968 I joined a fraternity and there I discovered drugs, ?blue movies? otherwise known as stag films in those days, and I had my first affair with a married woman, got caught and almost shot by her husband. I got my girlfriend pregnant and had the baby aborted. I did graduate with an above average GPA but did not get a job. I wondered ?What is going on??

I now had a life, at age 22, that included the same boyhood patterns of mistakes/lies/anger , a sexual addiction to pornography, masturbation and sex, a love for marijuana, hashish, bourbon whiskey, beer and wine, a girlfriend of 6 years with a relationship pretty much spent, no longer living at my parents home, a full College Degree, and no job! Was I finished? Not yet. What next - DENIAL - life was good. Satan had only just begun.

The next couple of years proved to be the final catalyst that launched my downward spiral into perpetual motion. It was during that first year following graduation that my girlfriend, my first and most precious love (then), finally left me to marry another man. I was crushed and devastated beyond belief but my clinging to denial let me do nothing about it. Little did I know, then, that God may have been trying to break through the thick wall I was building but I, ultimately, would have none of that.

I held onto that denial for dear life. I was so deceived into thinking and believing that sex was my salvation but, of course, it was becoming my greater pathway to destruction and death. I got deeper into it, making mistake after mistake, creating more and more lies, getting more angry and hiding it less and less. I experimented with and used more drugs, tobacco, and alcohol, pornographic videos now, extramarital affairs, and seeking more and more intensity in every aspect of my sexual activity and becoming less and less satisfied with each event. As my life continued, I sought after more hard-core (videos, movies, magazines), more danger (acting out locations, sexual acts and paraphernalia), and then the internet. This lead to more fantasies, and then anger because of unfullfillment, and then to more acting out. I was still clinging to denial that anything was wrong. ?This is what all of us really cool guys do!? I carried this attitude and thinking into every aspect of my daily life and routine for many years to come.

Fred's Story - Part 2

My first physical experience of sexual things and feelings happened when I was 8 or 9 years old. This was quite shocking and confusing to me because I did not know what this was. I never heard anyone discuss or talk about this feeling and there was no platform at home to take this, so it became my personal secret. And, almost immediately, I learned to like and enjoy it, and seek after that exciting and exhilarating, yet calming, physical sensation.
As I grew into my junior high school years I continued my patterns of lying and anger (whenever necessary) to avoid punishment or pain. I also continued pursuit of my bodily sensations as often as I could but did not know why or what this was all about and still never telling anyone. It was during these years that I discovered my father's magazines in his bureau. That occurred because my mother would suggest that I go into my fathers bureau to retrieve things for either her or me to use. Now I had material that I put together with my physical pleasure and began fantasizing about these possibilities. Sexual fantasizing was and is the central core of my addiction.

My Addiction Worsens

Just before my 13th birthday, I experienced my first wet dream and shortly after that I discovered masturbation. With the help of some older friends I had in the neighborhood I now had what I needed to put it all together. During my 8th grade year the final element of my pattern was unveiled and the beginning of a very turbulent life was about to commence. At this time of life, after several years of abuse at the hands of my parents, I was in great rebellion to authority. I didn?t care if I was accused of wrongdoing - accurate or not - I lied at will, got angry or enraged whenever necessary, and then could soothe that emotional or physical pain by acting out sexually. My life during this era was still being managed by my parents and their selfishness, so I did what I needed for self-preservation.

This pattern continued during my high school years. I got involved with an older, tougher crowd, discovered cigarettes, beer, wine, and hard liquor, explored more pornography through magazines, gave away my virginity at age 15, and began a relationship with a girl during my junior year (age 16) that would continue through all 4 years of college. This relationship expanded my physical addiction to an extremely high level and then launched me into a downward spiral that lasted until 1999. Almost 34 years!

It was only by the grace and love of God that when I entered college in 1967 that I came out alive and in one piece in 1971. During these years I continued to smoke and drink heavily. My sexual acting out continued to expand through pornography, physical contact with my girlfriend and other women. In 1968 I joined a fraternity and there I discovered drugs, ?blue movies? otherwise known as stag films in those days, and I had my first affair with a married woman, got caught and almost shot by her husband. I got my girlfriend pregnant and had the baby aborted. I did graduate with an above average GPA but did not get a job. I wondered ?What is going on??

I now had a life, at age 22, that included the same boyhood patterns of mistakes/lies/anger , a sexual addiction to pornography, masturbation and sex, a love for marijuana, hashish, bourbon whiskey, beer and wine, a girlfriend of 6 years with a relationship pretty much spent, no longer living at my parents home, a full College Degree, and no job! Was I finished? Not yet. What next - DENIAL - life was good. Satan had only just begun.

The next couple of years proved to be the final catalyst that launched my downward spiral into perpetual motion. It was during that first year following graduation that my girlfriend, my first and most precious love (then), finally left me to marry another man. I was crushed and devastated beyond belief but my clinging to denial let me do nothing about it. Little did I know, then, that God may have been trying to break through the thick wall I was building but I, ultimately, would have none of that.

I held onto that denial for dear life. I was so deceived into thinking and believing that sex was my salvation but, of course, it was becoming my greater pathway to destruction and death. I got deeper into it, making mistake after mistake, creating more and more lies, getting more angry and hiding it less and less. I experimented with and used more drugs, tobacco, and alcohol, pornographic videos now, extramarital affairs, and seeking more and more intensity in every aspect of my sexual activity and becoming less and less satisfied with each event. As my life continued, I sought after more hard-core (videos, movies, magazines), more danger (acting out locations, sexual acts and paraphernalia), and then the internet. This lead to more fantasies, and then anger because of unfullfillment, and then to more acting out. I was still clinging to denial that anything was wrong. ?This is what all of us really cool guys do!? I carried this attitude and thinking into every aspect of my daily life and routine for many years to come.